My favorite Metric song, which had been totally off my radar for a while, popped into my head today. I love it, mostly because I can totally empathize with what I’m 99% sure this song is about (no, not Zombies … stage fright, fear of criticism). But today I was thinking more … defibrillator. It’s nice to have a jolt once in a while. To remind yourself that you are, indeed, ALIVE. Today I’m alive, and that jolt will last me a good month or two. 
I dither on whether to maintain this blog. As I have done for every other blog I’ve ever started (and there have been many) over the last several years. I get really excited about blogging for a week or two and then forget about it for months on end. But I keep coming back to it. I tell myself if I just gain enough momentum, publish enough posts in a short period of time, maybe I’ll finally get committed. Like many things though, I seem to have great (and often grandiose) ideas but ultimately little follow through.
I think part of the reason I waver is because, let’s be real, I’m something of an exhibitionist at heart. If I wanted to write to no one, I’d just put it in my journal. If I take the time to blog and no one comments, no one even LOOKS at it, then for me there is not much point. Of course I realize there are a bazillion blogs out there. Mine is nothing stellar. And furthermore, I’ve done absolutely nothing to cultivate any kind of readership. I haven’t even told my FB friends that it exists. Because even though I’m an exhibitionist, I’m also paralyzingly adverse to criticism. Bit of a dichotomy.
I’ve set many lofty goals for 2012. And regular blogging wasn’t one of them. I’m not going to say I’m committed to trying because honestly it’s pretty far down the list. There are the usual things like be a more engaged parent, lose a decent chunk of weight in a reasonable period of time (probably shouldn’t have scheduled a carry-in at work for January 3 … the fridge is full of mac and cheese, pork pie, and corned beef….), and then there are the more pressing things. Like get my shit together financially and make a major decision about my house.
Overall, 2011 was a phenomenal year. I had a lot of stimulating new experiences, a lot of personal growth, and a lot of fun. But the last month and a half have been a total emotional roller coaster. The short of it is that my basement flooded. Two different plumbers have informed me my home needs a 10K repair. I learned my property value has tanked so far in the 7 years I’ve owned the home that I’m technically underwater on the mortgage. (Hahaha. Kind of like my hot water heater, furnace, washing machine, dryer, and a ton of personal belongings in my basement…) And thanks to student loans, daycare, etc. and the fact that I chose a career in public service (read: not lucrative), even if I could get a loan for 10K right now, I’d have no way to pay it back.
So yeah. There are way more pressing things than blogging. But I haven’t completely given up yet. I guess this is my way of saying, “Hi, world.”
This post sounds rather melancholy. I don’t mean it to. I’m actually cautiously optimistic that 2012 will be a really good year. But either way, it’s definitely going to be a game changer.
Happy New Year from Lisa & Nadia. <3
So last weekend I had to brave the laundromat to wash my (too big for my washing machine) comforters. I decided to smuggle Knuffle Bunny along in my bag, and this is what happened when I got him out for Nadia. I could have died from preciousness.
Nadia & Knuffle Bunny visit the laundromat
Awwwwwwwww.
And a couple more just for good measure:
Knuffle Bunny Too
Knuffle Bunny Free
This morning I got up, took the dog out, started making coffee, and then heard movement upstairs. Nadia’s room is gated. This is what I found. She had dragged her little chair, blanket, and an audience of stuffed animals over to the doorway where she could read to them by the hall light. Awww. I got to the top of the stairs, and she said, ‘I’m reading books, mama!’
Today was our town’s Be a Tourist in Your Own Hometown event. That means free admission to 12 local attractions including places like the African/African American Historical Museum, the Foellinger-Freimann Botanical Conservatory, and the Fort Wayne Museum of Art. This is a GREAT way to get out of the house with the little one(s) and try something out without investing a ton of money into something that could become a toddler meltdown disaster. Many cities and towns around the country host such a day. Check with your Visitors Center to see if yours or a city nearby does. (Another option I’ve seen while traveling … many public libraries have family passes to nearby attractions that you can “check out” for a day.)
Being the realistic single mama that I am, we chose exactly ONE place to visit today. I’d been toying with the idea of taking Nadia to Science Central, a hands-on science museum for kids, for a while now. The vast majority of the (130!) exhibits are for kids a bit older – I’d say mid to late elementary aged. They do have a section that’s reserved for kids aged 7 and under (plus their adult, of course), but did I want to pay the $8 admission (kids 2 and under are free) when I just wasn’t sure she’d get much out of it? Today gave me a chance to try it out. And she LOVED it! Now I suspect we’ll add it to our list of snowy-day play spots for winter.
Water Play
Striking notes on a soundboard w/hammer.
Soapy Water Play
Playing in the rock garden. Which I'm sure has a more scientific name/purpose than "rock garden."
Baked Oatmeal
Nadia is with her dad today, and I’m spending the day cleaning/decluttering before going to an art opening tonight. When N is not here, it’s common for me to get halfway through the day before I realize I’ve not eaten anything and am, in fact, ravenous. And then I wind up getting takeout or some such. I think I almost feel guilty investing time and energy into cooking something fantastic when she’s not here to benefit from it.
Today I decided that’s ridiculous, and at noon I started assembling Heidi Swanson’s Baked Oatmeal. If you’re not familiar with Heidi, she is the author of two great cookbooks (Super Natural Cooking: Five Delicious Ways to Incorporate Whole and Natural Foods into Your Cooking and Super Natural Every Day: Well-Loved Recipes from My Natural Foods Kitchen) as well as the the awesome website 101 Cookbooks.
The great thing about this recipe, for me, is that all the ingredients are things I almost always have in the house (partly because my daughter could live off blueberries alone). The only thing I was missing today was cinnamon. (The reason being that I use cinnamon as a natural deterrent to ants. They hate the stuff. And not so very long ago my back stoop was covered with them, and I dumped the entire jar all over them. It really works – I urge you to try it!) So today I substituted with 1/4 the called-for amount with allspice, and it turned out just as yummy.
And Nadia can have some tomorrow. It keeps well in the fridge for several days.
After lamenting the denouement of my most recent fling over drinks with Jen C. Friday night, she dragged me home and persuaded me to sign up for a dating site she’s on and quite happy with. Ever the optimist and always the most positive person I know, I take her counsel seriously. But I was reluctant .. and so she practically sat on top of me until I signed up and got started answering questions. And the next day when I still hadn’t filled out any of the profile information or added a photo, she sent me a message via the dating site’s messaging system that said, “Fill this shit out and find a pic! Love you!”
It’s been less than a week, and I’m already sort of over it. Dealing with the inbox is like a full time job, and I’d like to just ignore the vast majority of the messages. Most of these people clearly don’t even read your profile. But I have a problem … I’m too nice. I worry about how someone will feel woefully rejected if I don’t at least send some sort of lame “hello” response back, but that just encourages them and it becomes a vicious email cycle that becomes increasingly hard from which to extricate myself.
I need to develop a tactful way to say “not interested.” I’m not a fan of hurting feelings. And THEN if I ever actually go on a date, I need to be prepared with a way to say, “Thanks and all, but … this isn’t going anywhere.” How do you DO that? I would probably consider dating a lot more if I were at ease with that. But the thought of hurting someone’s feelings paralyzes me, and then I wind up letting it go on for too long. Help! How do you do that?
And why didn’t someone WARN me that there was a chat feature and that it defaulted to being ON when I signed up? Saturday morning while trying to fill out my profile, suddenly I’m being bombarded with IMs from people I don’t want to talk to. (I don’t mean to sound superior or snobbish or what have you. But we all know what we like, and I prefer people who can construct a coherent sentence.) I posted about this whole experience on Facebook, and someone asked, “Is there a block feature?” There IS a block feature. But I feel so GUILTY blocking people. That’s like rejection on a silver platter. I need to get over it, huh?
Then there’s the whole question of what am I even doing on there anyway? I need to do a lot of self-work before I’ll be good in a relationship. I LIKE my space, my time, etc. I have no desire to date just for the sake of having something to do on a Friday night. I’ve got enough going on. I either want to veg alone at home and unwind while Nadia is with her dad or meet up with my friends that I don’t get to spend enough time with. And I’m also not super anxious to find my soul mate. So what am I DOING? Well I guess if someone catches my eye (on several, several levels), and can intrigue me with intelligent conversation, and the feelings are all mutual … well then MAYBE we can have some fun and see where it goes. But really, at this point, I’m ready to delete the whole thing.
Oh, and then there’s this. By some cruel twist of fate, my very top “match” at the moment is my last fling. So this stupid site is just mocking me. Every time he pops up in my suggested matches what I’m hearing is “Look. You guys were really supposed to hit if off. But you FAILED. So sorry. But just remember there are awesome guys like this out there, and don’t accept anything less than a 91% match.”
Yes, deleting is the best option…